I just want to say this up front, before I start this. I'm not writing this to punish or to garner sympathy. There's just some things rattling around my head and I'd like to see if expressing them will free me.
WhatsHisFace and I took the bikes down to the Springs the other weekend. It was a beautiful day and we took the highway down. On the way, traffic cranked up as usual and we ended up riding staggered in a solid wave of traffic. At one point, I looked up to see a Jeep Wrangler riding next to WhatsHisFace. All I could see was blond hair whipping around both the driver and the passenger since they had the top and the doors out. Oh, and a few glimpses of tanned, thin, most probably young flesh. I'm guessing they were wearing shorts and small shirts, but I'm not sure.
I watched WhatsHisFace check out either the Jeep or the girls. Not a big deal, he's got a thing for Wranglers and has been thinking about buying one again. And he appreciates the female form as much as the next guy. But then he does it again. And again. And it's to the point that I'm watching him watch the girls. He glances in front of him now and again to keep track of the traffic, but I'd say there was a good two-three minute stare fest going on.
At the time, I was surprised because he's usually not a gawker. And then I got annoyed, because hello? I'm right here! This in itself is unusual because I normally think it's funny on the rare occasion that he gets tongue-tied or so obviously affected by a beautiful woman.
And still it continued. Eventually, the Wrangler pulled far enough ahead that he went back to watching the road and the scenery.
Later, I asked him if it was the Jeep or the girls that he was staring at, and he got angry and said it was both. Which was confirmation for me that things were not kosher and I hadn't imagined the whole thing. Because he gets angry when he thinks he's done something wrong (or when he thinks I think he's done something wrong.)
Still later, he asked me if I was hurt by the Jeep/girl thing. I stammered something about just being surprised because it went on so long.
But that's not really the truth. It did go on for what seemed like forever. But thinking back, that's not the thing that really hit me. I was annoyed and on alert from the beginning of the starefest. And I think now that I know why. There was something very aggressive and even predatory in the way he was watching them. If it had taken place anywhere other than the highway at 40mph, I would expect there to be follow through. There was intention there. It wasn't a casual appraisal or even just a prolonged admiration. There was a challenge there, a very male challenge. And even while I was riding behind them, I got the impression that the girls were either returning that challenge or possibly initiated it.
No big deal, right? No harm done, they continued on their way. Except.
For the first time in a long as I can remember, I began to doubt myself. For the first time since he chose me over the other woman so many years ago, I began to doubt my place in his affections. Because riding behind the flowing hair and the thin tanned tautness, I felt dumpy. And old. And so very outside looking in. It's not a good feeling.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Might Post This, Might Not
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5 comments:
When I first met you it was in the 3rd floor hall of the old building of The Net where the Ops guys (me included) were stashed. You were introduced as "WhatHisFace's Wife" which is a pretty normal introduction. We said "Hi" to each other and went on about our lives. A few weeks later you were back to visit, and the two of you were bragging about your anniversary gifts. I wondered what you had gotten each other that made the both of you so happy, so I asked. I seem to recall that WhatsHisFace got you more RAM for your machine, and I think you got him a new flat-panel monitor for his computer... Or something like that.
I already knew that WhatsHisFace was a computer geek, but when I found out that you were too, and that you went all geeky on anniversary gifts, I knew that you two were made for each other.
It was a week or three later that I found out that he played D&D, and I asked to join. When you sat down at the table to join us for the game on my first session, I was amazed. There aren't many female gamers out there. After gaming with you guys for a couple of sessions, I could tell that you were really into it, knew the rules, loved playing your characters, and enjoyed gaming.
It was at that point that I got jealous of WhatsHisFace because he had such a wonderful wife.. wrong word... life partner. I know that "life partner" is usually used in the gay/lesbian circles, but that really describes how you are to each other. You are partners in everything that you do. Yes, you have your own separate hobbies and lives. Every couple needs that. However, you two are so closely tied together in every aspect of life that I only see one thing getting in the way of your continued partnership: death. I don't even see death pulling you two apart spiritually, emotionally, or in any method other than physical.
WhatsHisFace is a guy, and has guy urges. We all have them. No guy out there doesn't lust after an attractive member of the opposite sex (unless they are gay, and then there is still lust, but towards other guys.) Don't get offended or upset by his primal urges to ogle the opposite sex. I'm not trying to demean or belittle your sentiments because they are perfectly valid. I'm very sure that WhatsHisFace was just following some lizard-brained urge to check out the pretty girls, and was not making a conscious effort to upset you. He should have made a conscious effort to stop ogling after a brief time because you were around.... And yes, when we're not around our wives/girlfriends/etc, we check out as many women as we possibly can. It's just one of those things that we can't stop from doing. I've pulled muscles in my neck before to stop myself from staring at a cute chick with a tattoo or neat piercings.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you guys were born for each other. It's rare to see a soul mate, and you guys are it. You have nothing to fear from anyone out there stealing WhatsHisFace from you... except for maybe BallCheck. :)
Hugs - Intended maliciously or no, things like that hit where it hurts.
I honestly didn’t know whether I should put this here, or on my blog. Normally I wouldn’t even think twice..it’s your post, I reply on it, end of story. THIS one though makes me want to go on and on and on, I want to slug/hug/drink with/talk to/just be there for the both of you. I don’t know I can put this all in a reply, but I can’t put this one off.
For those of you that don’t know me all that well, I am a friend of theirs from Ohio. I met Bill in Jr. High and I was honored to have him as a friend since. I met Nat in High School, and to tell you the truth, I don’t really think she liked me all that much…I was sort of a flake…time changes all things though. A few years after we graduated, Bill decided that he wanted to find a new group of folks to play D&D with. He was going to college at the time, and he found a club that required you to attend the college to play. It was large group of various members of various groups and I understand why he wanted to be there. The bad part of this was that we spent so much time playing D&D that almost all of our spare time was in the pursuit of the game. Him being with this group meant that I only got to see him on a rare occasion. Was I upset about this? WEELLL…sort of. You see, I was going through my own little phase of exploration and there was this wonderful lady I met in High School that sort of made D&D seem a little less important at the time.
A little while later, during one of the times when we both were hanging around with the rest of the old crew, I hear that the college club he is at is accepting pretty much any damn person who showed up and I was in one of my jealous freak stages so I went against Bills wishes and decided to crash the party. Yeah it was an asshole thing to do, but that night I got to meet/renew three good friends that I love and cherish; Tim, Andy, and the wonderful lady whose post I spam, Nat. I also find out a little secret that Bill has been hiding from us; the big palooka has a girlfriend; psst…the same girl mentioned above and it AIN’T Andy. Fortunatly for me it turns out that my twisted, warped, bi-polar mentality fit right in with the rest of the Friday night gaming club crowd and before you know it I am one of the crew stinking up the halls with the smells of breadsticks and cigarettes.
I need to fast forward a bit or your going to be stuck reading (or scrolling past) page after page of my crappily written reminiscing.
I’m living with Chuck in Kettering in this little whole in the wall bread box sized house, the rent is crap, the place isn’t insulated worth shit, BUT we live maybe three blocks from Bill and Nat. THE house, and when I mean THE house I really mean it. Every single one of us in our group of friends spends more time there than we do at our own homes. There are times we arrived there at 8:00pm on Friday and have left at 8:00pm on Sunday (OK, I am exaggerating…it was more like 11:00pm on Sunday). We talked, ate, slept (some of us in more ways than one), crapped, loved, LIVED at that place. I know at times they didn’t want us there. I know at times we were beyond being intrusive, yet we were young…ok, we were assholes (young sounded better). What I remember most about that time in my life, that beautiful wonderful time, was the feeling I got in that house. It was home. A safe, comfortable home that accepted me for everything that I was and might have been and never asked from me. Ask anyone who entered that home and the word they would have used to describe it was peace or love. It wrapped around you as you entered that door and stayed with you when you left…and you never wanted to leave.
It wasn’t some magical creature, some house gnome (although we joked about it being one), that made it that way, it was those two. The love they had for each other was so unconditional, so accepting, so just damn much that it spilled into all of us. I have never seen that in anyone before, nor do I expect to ever again. They had disagreements, I can’t claim that they were some perfect love spraying hormone robots, but they were so far in between that I can only really remember one.
Reading this, I had to go into my closet and check something. In the far back I found what I was looking for; a white tuxedo jacket I think I have only worn twice. The second time I wore it was a few years ago at my daughters first recital.. I was soo proud of her, she looked so beautiful that I wanted to look perfect for her that day as well. The first time I wore it though was my most favorite time wearing it. The reason I bought that jacket, the day I was so damn happy and in love with the world that I wanted EVERY single person around me to see that love, I needed to shine with that love. I bought that jacket for their marriage. That jacket can never be worn with it feeling like love to me.
Nat, I can’t think he would ever want to hurt you. We’re guys..and well fuck it we are big ole penis’s with legs and that’s what we will always be (unless you fuck with what we love..then we are the baddest MF wolf you EVER want to meet). At our age, young tame things flashing us….hell a smile, make us sit up straight and stick out our chest (to put it bluntly because our raging woody’s force to sit like that). The worst part about it is that we try our damn BEST to ignore all the gals around so we DON’T ever have to insult the ones we love like that. It happens though, and we do our best, but given the fact that they were in the car he loves to look at normally they were just sort of Medusa at that point. Shit, if they had been in a 68 Mustang I’de probably be dead in his spot…that or divorced *lol*.
Bill. Nat loves you. She is only saying this because. well that’s the way she feels. I get pissed as hell at Annette when she accuses me of stuff like this. I can remember the time before last that we actually got a date night. It was about 10:00pm and she had gone to the restroom, and this hot (read HOT) young lady in this short skirt decided that I must have been staring at her instead of the TV beyond the dance floor. She proceeded to give me a hell of a nice floor show (I feel ashamed, but I still can tell you the color of her panties..pink). I started out watching baseball and ended up watching her crotch and the only ball I was thinking of was ballin…er well you get the point. What I failed to see was the fact that Annette had came back from the restroom and had spent the last minute watching me and noticing the…uhm, rise in my lower mid section. I got HELL that night, and I mean HELL. I kept telling her that I wouldn’t have done crap with that gal, and really I wouldn’t have. I just loved the show and damn it, it was nice to get the sexual attention, because no offense to the ladies, but we can only go so many nights hearing the ‘Don’t touch me, I’m tired’ speech without getting a more than a little put out. I was wrong that night, but damn it so was she.
Love only comes to the best of us. You two have always been and will always be part of the best of us, and judging from what I read, the best of so many folks where you live at now. I envy them walking into your house each day. I miss the feeling of coming home…
Ok, I don't know either of you. And I pretty much don't know shit from shinola. But I DO know that a man who lets you sleep late while he makes biscuits and gravy, well, that's a man who loves you.
To the best of my knowledge, you have two fears...WhatsHisName leaving you, and fast-moving zombies.
I'm putting my money on the fast-moving zombies showing up first.
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